A listening ear to loss

It is an inevitable fact of life that each one of us will experience the loss of loved ones sooner or later, whether they be parents, siblings, spouses or children. Dealing with such loss is different for everyone, and depending on the circumstances of the death, or the age of the people who have passed on, coping can be more or less difficult for every individual.



Now just a year old in Kilcullen, the Bethany Group was set up to offer help to people who suffer such losses, in a totally confidential way.

"Basically we just provide a listening ear," says Mary, one of six members of the group. "We're not counsellors, our function is to be there for somebody who wants to let their grief out."

That can even be years after the original loss, and Mary herself notes that though her grandfather died when she was six, she was 29 before she 'let him go'.

"Grief is different for everyone. Even in the one family, every member has had a different relationship with the person who has gone and they each go through the loss in different ways. One might not cry at all, for instance, and you might even hear it said that they are a bit hard, but it might be twice as hard on them as it is on the person who has the outlet of being able to cry."

There are monthly meetings of the group in the Parish Centre, centred around a little ritual of lighting a candle, which Mary says symbolises confidentiality. "Each time we light the candle, it emphasises that what is said in the room stays in the room."

It isn't necessary that somebody who wants help should come to a meeting. The members of the group are quite happy to go to a person's home, or even meet at a neutral venue. And at any stage they are prepared to come back, if somebody wants another chat.

The group members trained for 14 weeks before it 'went live' in March of last year. "Much of the training involved listening skills," says Mary. "We also had talks from people who specialise in dealing with different kinds of death, such as infants, or suicide."

Beyond the individual level, the Bethany Group organised the annual Remembrance Mass last November. Every family who'd had someone buried in Kilcullen during the previous year was written to and invited to take an active part in the mass, which included each lighting a candle in memory of their loved ones.

"It was very successful," Mary says. "We noticed that when people brought up their candles to the altar they tended to stay there for a while, and you could see people supporting each other, maybe two elderly ladies who were widows, you could see them with their arms around each other. Many people said to me afterwards that it meant a lot to them."

Sometimes the work can take its own toll on the Bethany Group members. "It can be very difficult to not get involved. We're trained to listen, and also to stand back, but that said the process is bound to trigger something inside you. But you won't be doing them any favours by getting directly involved."

If anyone reading this feels they can be helped by talking to a Bethany Group member, the phone number is 086 2668288.

Brian Byrne.