The Far Side: Kilcullen in a parallel universe

— by Martin Castle.

Great news for any residents of Kilcullen who might have suffered during the recent spate of bad weather. A local developer has come up with an ingenious plan to enable our town to be free from the inconvenience of inclement weather. It involves the construction of a series of skyscrapers, which will be strategically situated at key locations throughout the town.

Each of these skyscrapers will be equipped with a retractable glass canopy which, when used in unison, will completely cover our skyline. No longer will we have to endure getting wet as we pop down the town for a newspaper, or suffer the indignity of losing a hat or an umbrella on a blustery day.

It is not known yet who will be in charge of the remote control, but it is due for discussion at the next meeting of our local community group

Kilcullen is bracing itself for an influx of scientists over the coming weeks to study the local phenomenon that has become known as the clay circles.

Over the past number of months residents of Nicholastown have witnessed the formation of mysterious clay circles on the roadside at the entrance to the old Carlow road. They have now advanced to an intricate serious of perfect clay circles, which are becoming so noticeable that passing drivers on the main road are starting to find them to be a distraction.

It is not known how these strange circles were formed as no one was seen constructing them. There is a lot of speculation as to what they might be, with some people claiming that they are an advancement on the old crop circles, whilst others feel that the mound looks like the ancient site of Knockaulin. The Far Side decided to spend the night at the site in an effort to discover the truth, but in retrospect bringing along a flask full of tequila wasn’t such a good idea.

It remains to be seen if they are the work of ancient Druids or some strange alien creatures. One group who are certainly in the clear are Kildare County Council who have not been seen doing any sort of project in the town for years.

Word has reached the far side that the local ruling body in Kilcullen has been given the go ahead to construct toll bridges on each entrance road to the town. It is believed that local residents will be given permits that will allow them free access through the tolls up to ten times a day.

Any residents wishing to enter or leave the town more than ten times in one day will have to pay a small levy, which is still to be decided by the local authorities. It is not known as yet what the charge will be to non-residential traffic, but the scheme has been criticised by local traders who are complaining that they will have to pay for delivery trucks to enter the town. The exact location of the bridges is being kept secret at present in case of sabotage.

Rumour abounds that the JFK Hall, which for years has been the proud home of our local Boxing club, has been sold and will be reopening in the summer as a lap dancing club and casino.

It is believed that in a recent poll conducted by a company on behalf of the new owners, local residents when asked what was badly needed in the town overwhelmingly replied a casino and lap-dancing club.

The Far Side took to the streets of the town and could not find anyone who was asked such a question. Indeed a lot of people we spoke to seemed confused as to what exactly lap dancing was, with some thinking that it was the latest laptop to hit the streets. It is not known at present if this new venture will provide any local jobs and indeed the whole venture has been described as a bit of a gamble.

There is a lot of talk locally that Kilcullen GAA club is about to take the brave step of opening up its grounds to other sports and are, at present, in talks with the local Pitch and Putt and Badminton clubs. It is envisaged that both of these clubs could be using the pitch by early summer.

There is no word as yet as to whether this offer will be extended to the local Soccer and Rugby clubs, as it is believed that there is still a lot of internal opposition to the proposal. At time of going to press no official was available from any of the clubs involved, but The Far Side did manage to talk to a local resident who said that they thought it was a great idea and a brave move by our local GAA club.

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